I received a suggestion from one of my lovely followers to talk about my personal “best” BDSM aesthetic. I realized that I’ve never really talked about my preferences! I’m sure I’ve hinted at them in other posts and I’ve sure as hell put my opinion out there! But I’ve never talked about what I like!
So here goes!
Neither me nor kitten are really into pain. I can deliver it to an extent but since it doesn’t interest kitten I don’t feel the need to participate in it in my personal life.
Our relationship is protocol based. We have a set of rules and I write out a schedule for her every week that has a list of chores meant to maintain our home and practice good house keeping habits. Taking care of my home and my life is what I expect of my kitten. We are both busy, though, so I do help out but most of the cleaning is on her.
I would eventually like to be in a place where I can support her financially and she can stay home and take care of our home and (eventual) children full time. That has always been my dream, even before kink.
As for my aesthetic…I love the late 1950’s early 1960’s aesthetic. I’ll take a curvy pin-up girl over a porn star any day! Winged eyeliner, red lipstick and swing skirts all day long! We also typically play big band music while cleaning the house. We both just love the feel of it.
I like to think that my Dom style is gentle but firm. My punishments do not revolve around physical reprimand. I don’t want my kitten to fear me…I don’t want to have to cane her and so I don’t. When I feel that my kitten is out of line I put her in time out, have her write lines or present an essay on her wrong doing to me. These exercises make her think about what she did and why it was wrong and that’s what I like.
Well. Here is the answer to the Shibari question! Sorry about the format. We had a bad storm and the internet went out. Plus my laptop hates recording videos for me so you get it off my phone! I hope it’s not too annoying. Anyway, as I promised I will include some links and please feel free to ask anymore questions! Maybe this video response thing will become more common.
Safe Words. It’s a basic in the BDSM community. It’s one of those things you should expect everyone to know about. But recently I’ve been running into a lot of people who think they are too good for safe words. I hate to burst your bubble; But you aren’t. Safe words or a safety system i key to a safe and sucessful session. It provides and open communication platform for the Sub and a way to keep the Dom in the loop and aware of what is going on with a sub.
Safe words come in a lot of different forms though. Some people like to use words I’ve also seen a red light system which is what I use, personally. If you’re going to use a one word Safety system is prudent that you sit down with your sub and come up with something that is easy to remember and not likely to be said during sex. I think a good way to approach this is to have the sub either use their master’s favorite color or perhaps home town as a safe word. Always check that your sub know what the safe word is before you begin! Have them repeat it to you to ensure they can remember it. I also suggest that as you begin to play and your sub begins to enter their subspace you check with them one final time as ask what the safe word is. It’s easy to do this without breaking the scene. If you’re doing something rougher you can grab their jaw, make them look at you and ask for the safe word gruffly! And if you’re more of a teasing Dom make them repeat it after a nice firm smack on the ass! The important thing is that the sub is able to remember the word in and out of sub space!
And to my dear subs! I would not suggest EVER going with a dom if they don’t use a safety system. It is something used to protect you and as a sub you have every right to feel safe and it’s something you should expect from any good Dom. Remember that good dominants pride safety over anything else! So if you prefer a certain system or you don’t think you’ll be able to remember the safe word talk to your Dom before things get rolling.
I mentioned a Red light system above and it’s something I am seeing more and more in my interactions. A red light system bassiclly uses colors to indicate the space the sub is in. Red light means stop everything, Yellow light means “Slow down” Or “Ease up” which is a great alternative to stopping the scene if the sub just needs you to take it down a few notches. It doesn’t ruin and break the scene needlessly but it gives them a solid way of conveying a slight discomfort. And of course green light means “More please!”. I think it’s a nice alternative and allows for some options as well as being very easy for most subs to remember!
The biggest thing I hope you take from this is that a safety system is MANDATORY. Not optional. We need to keep ourselves and our partners safe.
First off, let me say congrats on the 10+ years of marriage! Don’t see that too often any more. I’m going to try and answer this as best I can but please feel free to message me with any additional questions; Just in case I don’t hit everything.
First off, let’s discuss the issues of your expectations. I’m not trying to be negative or anything, however, most likely things WON’T go EXACTLY as you planned, becuase just like you, I’m sure your husband has fears and his own expectations. The key is to be sensitive about this and be open with each other. Tell each other what you want out of it and plan out a scene together. That way you don’t get too many curve balls thrown your way.
Exploring your own sexuality is hard even with out the added complications of BDSM and kink. Really take time to explore yourself and discover what you like. Read books and look at pictures. Open yourself up so that you can help open your husband up and help him get out of his shell. Sometimes the submissive person is the most powerful person in the relationship!
And as for the issue of thinking about others you need to find the root of the reason you can’t put your husband in that role. Is it becuase YOU want to be the dominant person? Or is it becuase you’re scared that he won’t meet your expectations of what a Dom should be? Fantasizing is nothing to be scared of and maybe bring some of these to his attention delicatly. Sit down with him and talk to him about what you’re scared of and together you guys can decide what to do about it.
May I also suggest going to a local BDSM club (Do your research on this. There are some amazing clubs and there are some real shady ones) and watching other’s do scenes? Sometimes you just need a clear picture of what it is you want. And if you guys really wanna take it further; Find mentors.
The option of other play partners can also be kept open. However, don’t force yourself or your husband into this. Sometimes it works really well for people and sometimes its the worst thing you can possibly do. Either way it requires alot of communication and mutual agreement. I also use the term “play partner” loosely. A play partner isn’t someone you HAVE to have sex with, keep this in mind.
And my last bit of advice is give your husband a chance to be dominant or give yourself that chance. You really need to use this as an opportunity to explore each other and different sides of each other without fear. Maybe you’ll discover he is the most powerful Dom on the face of the planet or maybe you’ll find out just how powerful you feel with a whip in hand and him on his knees. Let this open a new door into your sexual experiences as well as a window into your own soul and personality.
I’ve had this argument with a lot of people. I think there are far too many Doms out there (At least in my experience) who don’t understand where the power comes from in their D/s relationship. I think an inflated ego causes a lot of blindness to this topic and I just want to clear up my beliefs on the matter.
The power that Doms have is very real but we only have it because our submissives give it to us. So in the end Submissives hold the power and this is why I don’t understand the Doms I’ve met who do not cherish their subs. This doesn’t mean you can’t beat them and call them whore when they want it, but I have seen some subs so hurt becuase their dominant treats them like they aren’t there. I just find it a sad thing.
To me…the beautiful thing about submission is that it’s a gift that someone loves you and trusts you enough to give. The second a submissive stops serving becuase she wants to and is just doing what you tell them to, you’ve lost your power over her. Even if she’s still following your orders she isn’t submitting.
So. To all my Sirs, Masters, Dommes, Mistresses, etc. Please remember you are being given a gift and treat it as such. And thank you to all the Baby Girls, Kittys, Slaves and Subs, for the power you put in our hands.