The responsibilities of a Dom

Okay kiddies,

Stepping into the role of a Dom is both rewarding and daunting. There are a lot of really amazing advantages that comes with being a Dom but you also have to remember that you are taking on the responsibility of some one else s well being, whether it be for a scene or for a 25/7 power exchange. Either way it’s a lot of responsibility to have on your shoulders. This article is just a very, very quick run down of those responsibilities.

 

1. Pick the right sub.

A sub and a Dom should compliment each other. That means you shouldn’t take on the first sub who comes to you (Unless of course they ARE a good fit). And for my lovely, submissives, be mindful of the Dom you choose as well. You have all the say in the world as to who you want controlling you. A good way to find the perfect sub is an interview process. If you find someone you think you might be interested in take them out to lunch! Or meet them for coffee. You’ll be able to talk to them about their limits, what got them into kink, their education level and anything else! This removes you both from the kink setting long enough to have a really solid conversation and get to know one another on a deeper level and determine if you are a good fit for each other.

This conversation also leads to our next point. You should find out the education level of your sub. Don’t be turned off by a submissive who knows their stuff! Even if they know more than you it leaves room for them to help you. Rather than focusing on teaching your sub everything you can focus on making yourself the best Dom you can be and get feedback from someone who knows what they’re doing. You should also make sure that they have at least a basic knowledge of safety procedures and what it means to be a submissive. Always make sure they know about safe words and basic health and safety in scenes. If they seem uneducated on these subjects you should offer to help them but maybe not participate in a scene with them until they have watched a few scenes first and understand the basics.

Another key point of safety and picking the right sub is to find out if they have any physical or mental illnesses that might be a problem during a scene. It is extremely important to know if your play partner is diabetic, epelitic or is recovering from any physical injuries. These are just a few examples of possible ailments on a medical level. Mental health is also a huge part of picking the right partner and determining the kind of after care the person may need. Someone who was abused or has severe phobias should probably inform their Dom of these issues. This is up to the other person to disclose this information but as a Dom you should at least attempt to ask and observe anything that may be of concern. Always use you’re best judgment when determining if you have the ability to care for someone with physical or mental restrictions. And of course anyone you play with must be able to give consent.

 

 

2. Education

Oh boy, here I am on my soap box again! Education is the most important responsibility. I know people are probably tired of hearing me harp on about it but education is just so very important. Jumping head first into a scene without knowing whats going to happen or what could happen is a sure fire way to get yourself hurt or taken advantage of. You don’t have to know everything but you should know enough that you can sense if something is amiss.

Besides personal safety education is also important in making friends. Kinksters have lives outside the scene, of course, but in a kinky setting people are probably going to want to talk about kinky things. Having at least a background knowledge of certain things will help you seem credible and open more doors for you within the community. And if you happen to be somewhere where people are talking about or doing something you don’t know; Ask them! In my experience kinky people are more than happy to share their knowledge.

Take the opportunity to learn about EVERYTHING, even if you aren’t into it. I, personally, am not into pony play but I find it fascinating. Since I’m not into it I only learned about it through reading and talking to people. There are a myriad of resources out there for beginner kinksters and one would be foolish to not take advantage of it. And as a Dom you have a certain responsibility to know about these things. Taking on the role of a Dom means taking on the role of an authority figure and people may come to you with questions. Like I said, You don’t have to know everything but you should strive to learn anything you can.

While you aren’t expected to know everything, you should be well versed in the things that appeal to you and that you want to practice. So read up on them and talk to other people in your community as well. A basic knowledge of kink will also help you sift good advice from bad advice and keep you on your toes when talking to people who don’t know as much as you. Feel free to educate others on what you know and be generous in spreading the knowledge that you have acquired. The biggest thing I can say for education is that you should NOT attempt to do ANYTHING that you haven’t researched first whether that be on the internet, in person with other kinksters or in a book. Always understand the risks and safety precautions involved in what you are taking part in.

 

SAFETY FIRST

 

3. Forming a relationship with your submissive

 

People tend to flinch away at this one because I know many people who are strictly play partners and not involved romantically. Forming a relationship with your sub doesn’t mean you two are going to get married and ride off into the sunset. It means that you have a deep understanding for one another, great communication and that you respect each other highly. Having a good connection with your sub doesn’t mean you have to be romantically involved but having a relationship provides for the best scenes and the best dynamic because you know each other and can feel out each others moods and limits.

Whether you are in a romantic relationship with your sub or not you should meet outside of your kink dynamic regularly to uphold this connection. Does this mean you have to form this bond with every one you play with ever? No. If you do one scene with a person who lives three states away you probably don’t need to meet them for lunch once a week. But if you consider someone to be ‘your’ submissive or your play partner then you should probably establish a rapport with one another. Meeting outside your kink dynamic will help you understand each other better and ensure that both of your needs are being met without the looming prospect of your contract over your heads. You can simply sit and talk as lovers, friends or good business acquaintances.

Talking to each other will make it easier to communicate during scenes and provide a feeling of support and care. I really can’t stress enough how important this is. It will also help greatly in providing adequate after care and keeping yourself up on your subs shifting hard and soft limits or maybe what kind of scenes they can or can’t handle at that time. Openness and communication are recurring themes in BDSM so it’s best to get comfortable with them!

 

4. Understand yourself and your role as a Dom

 

Self discovery and self understanding are a big part of being a good Dom. Before you go out and play you really need to have a good handle on who you are as a Dom. Are you a slave master with a firm grip? Or are you a Daddy looking for his baby girl? These roles are both very different and unless you know exactly who your Dom alter ego is…You probably aren’t ready to play.

Before getting too involved you should try to have a general idea of the type of Dom you want to be. For me the easiest way was to think of it as a character. I put all of these characteristics that I thought made up a good Dom into a character and designated that person my Dom alter ego. It helps me when I have to step back and examin myself and my style. I suggest that you write down the things you would want in a Dom if you were a submissive. This will probably put you on the right path to Dom nirvana, so to speak.

You also need to step back and understand yourself as a kinkster. You should write down the following things and answer them:

 

Why am I interested in kink?

What do I want to get out of it?

How do I want this to improve my life over all?

What do I like?

What are my limits?

 

This is a very short list of questions and you probably have your own to ask yourself but always remember that understanding ones self is the key to understanding others and having the confidence to be the best Dom you can be! Reflect on your own limits and why you want this for yourself. Who or what was the first thing to inspire you to be a Dom? Draw inspiration from everything you can and let yourself question your own decisions. Question that scene you did a month ago where things didn’t go exactly as planned and why. Plan the perfect scene and keep it tucked away until you feel confident enough to act it all. But most importantly just sit down and reflect on who you are and who your inner Dom wants you to be.

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Oh my! So this is interesting

A company called William’s trading co. has created an on-the-go kink kit! This seems like a beautiful thing to be honest.  I know that I feel so away from home without all my favorite toys but bringing my bulky trunk on trips with me is pretty much impossible. Here is the link to the press release about this product: Pocket Dungeon

Essentially it is a lovely little leather case that comes with some accessories all kinksters need. There is a little retractable metal handle that comes with various attachments that will turn it into a flogger, a crop, a cat ‘o nine tails or various other little fun toys! There is a small version of the kit and a large version that comes with the previously mentioned little tool as well as a gag, cuffs, blind fold , door attachment, nipple clamps and a few other things.

Over-all this seems like a really cool toy and I hope maybe one day I can get a little sample or possibly purchase one of my own! I do travel between states often so it seems like something worth adding to my list.

-Sir

Hopefully a new trend of my once a week posts!

I received a suggestion from one of my lovely followers to talk about my personal “best” BDSM aesthetic. I realized that I’ve never really talked about my preferences! I’m sure I’ve hinted at them in other posts and I’ve sure as hell put my opinion out there! But I’ve never talked about what I like!

So here goes!

Neither me nor kitten are really into pain. I can deliver it to an extent but since it doesn’t interest kitten I don’t feel the need to participate in it in my personal life.

Our relationship is protocol based. We have a set of rules and I write out a schedule for her every week that has a list of chores meant to maintain our home and practice good house keeping habits. Taking care of my home and my life is what I expect of my kitten. We are both busy, though, so I do help out but most of the cleaning is on her.

I would eventually like to be in a place where I can support her financially and she can stay home and take care of our home and (eventual) children full time. That has always been my dream, even before kink.

As for my aesthetic…I love the late 1950’s early 1960’s aesthetic. I’ll take a curvy pin-up girl over a porn star any day! Winged eyeliner, red lipstick and swing skirts all day long! We also typically play big band music while cleaning the house. We both just love the feel of it.

I like to think that my Dom style is gentle but firm. My punishments do not revolve around physical reprimand. I don’t want my kitten to fear me…I don’t want to have to cane her and so I don’t. When I feel that my kitten is out of line I put her in time out, have her write lines or present an essay on her wrong doing to me. These exercises make her think about what she did and why it was wrong and that’s what I like.

That’s about it! Hope it was insightful.

-Sir

SUB DROP AND DOM DROP

Okay kiddies. It’s been a while since I’ve done an article but I think it’s time for me to get my voice out on this blog again!

Sub drop is something many people in the lifestyle know about but many of us learned it the hard way, whether you are a sub or dom. So hopefully this article will spare some of you the embarrassment and fear that comes with experiencing sub drop or dom drop.

Sub drop is much more commonly known than dom drop. Sub drop is essentially an overwhelming negative feeling subs get right after a scene or even days after. Sub drop is something that is so variable that it’s hard to tell exactly what might happen. In general, as a sub you might feel anything from a little bit of depression all the way down to complete hysterics. It’s really just knowing how you react to any kind of situation.

And not every sub will react the same in every type of situation. Any kind of scene has a certain risk factor and has to be approached carefully and with a watchful eye. The more intense the scene the harder the drop. A lot of times this emotional roller coaster is actually caused by a number of chemicals the body produces naturally so it needs to be handled delicately. While a sub’s past can affect sub drop it’s also very important to understand that MOST subs experience this on some level and as a dom, you need to be ready to give your sub the support they need.

You also need to understand that there is no time frame for sub and Dom drop. These drops can happen immediately after the scene and be taken care of through normal after care. But some drops may occur hours or days later which is why it’s important that you make yourself reasonable available for your play partners. Yes we all have jobs and school and lives but as a Dom you are making a certain level of commitment to your play partner by involving yourself in any situation that may involve Dom/sub drop.

Please also keep in mind that Dom drop is a thing that exists and needs to be addressed. A lot of times people don’t consider the affect that scenes have on Doms. Dom drop is not as common as sub drop but it does happen and when it does there needs to be an open line of communication between partners. Dom’s may need after care just as much as a sub, especially if the Dom is having problems outside their own lives or if the scene is particularly intense.

I have really only seen Dom drop happen in two scenarios (though it can occur in any situation and that is 100% fine!). The most common one I see is Dom’s who participate in non-con scenes that are particularly violent or real feeling. I’m sorry, but putting yourself in the mind set of someone who is trying to force someone else to have sex is not an easy thing to walk away from without being affected. It is perfectly fine to have that moment of doubt or fear (especially if you happen to be enjoying it a lot) but when this occurs you need to sit down with your sub and tell them what happened and if you want to make changes to similar scenes in the future than that needs to be hashed out as well. Communication is the biggest part of working past any sort of kinky road block!

The second situation I’ve seen Dom drop happen in is in the case of people who have very, very controlling personalities and come out of a scene and back into the real world where they have very little control. This is something I see in some beginner Doms, though I have certainly seen it happen in more experienced Dom’s as well.

The bottom line is that Sub drop and Dom drop can occur at anytime, any place, any scene so you need to be prepared to handle that, no matter what your role is and be a supportive partner for those you play with. Being part of the BDSM community means taking on a lot of responsibility and handling it gracefully.

Feel free to message me any questions regarding this or any other topics.

-Sir.

Hello Sir! I just started following you and I love your blog! I have a question though, I like being tied up – as often as possible – do you of a discreet harness that I could wear under me clothes but no one could tell was there? Thank you Sir~

Thank you so much for the love! I always love hearing from you guys! It makes my day. Anyway, the answer to your question is yes! You could have anything from a crotch harness to a chest harness, or both if you wanted! The best way to do this would be to either find some one who sells flat braided bondage rope (Rainbow Ropes used to but they don’t anymore so you’ll have to do some searching) Or you can go to Home Depot and get the thinner nylon rope. With that said you will also have to avoid elaborate knots and try and use as much of a continuous flow as possible. Use basic Lark heads and square knots!

Even though this is possible make sure that the person you’re working with is experienced. All day wear needs to be adjusted from normal bondage. Obviously, since you’re wearing it all day it can’t be overly tight or you’ll risk losing blood flow and nerve damage. You also need to be able to untie it yourself if your rope master won’t be around to do it for you and you’re rope master also needs to understand that they need to be willing to let you take it off or adjust it if it gets to be too much.

I also would suggest that the first time you go out you’re rope master be with you so that they can adjust the harness versus undoing it so you don’t lose the harness unless your simply want it off!!

Hope this helped!

-Sir

hi. i saw your post about sub/Dom drop and i wondered if it’s normal for a sub to drop sometimes BEFORE a scene has ended? it happens to me a lot and it bothers me, i feel awful and stupid for it because i’m enjoying what’s happening so much and then all of a sudden i just get a hit of depression and i lose all desire to continue and i dont know why. it happens most when i cum but not always and i dont want to never be able to let myself again… any advice? am i weird? :(

It is completely normal, especially right after orgasm. DO NOT let yourself feel bad or let anyone else make you feel bad. This is a natural process and it can be handled with some mental exercises most of the time. You really need to try and focus on why you’re dropping. If it’s right after orgasm and you can’t find another reason it may be chemical. If this is the case then try to time your orgasms differently or try having a different type of orgasm, if you’re a woman, anyway. If you’re a woman and you’re used to clitoral orgasms try having and orgasm through the Gspot as long as you aren’t opposed to penetration.

If you’re still having problems right after orgasm go in there with that knowledge and try to prepare yourself and your partner for it. A lot of times these things can’t be helped but you can help yourself grow accustomed to it and desensitize yourself. You also have the option of trying to hold off on cumming until after the scene is done and after care can be provided.

I hope I answered all of your questions but if not please feel free to talk to me some more!

-Sir

Q: LOVE YOUR BLOG, AND FAIRLY NEW TO THE COMMUNITY. SO SORRY IF I’M ASKING DUMB QUESTIONS. SO I’M A SUBMISSIVE AND I READ THAT SUBMISSION IS AN ACT OF LOVE. HOW DOES NO LOVE BDSM WORK GENERALLY THOUGH? I VERY MUCH WANT TO BE IN LOVE, BUT AFRAID I WILL FORM TOO STRONG AN ATTACHMENT TO A DOM BY SUBMITTING EARLY. CAN YOU SUBMIT TOO EARLY? HOW DOES ONE FULLY SUBMIT WHEN NOT “IN LOVE” OR “DEDICATED?” UGH, I’M SO LOST. ANY INSIGHT WOULD BE APPRECIATED!

First of all, thank you for the love.

Second off, the are seriously no stupid questions and if you feel lost you should seek guidance. That is my first bit of advice to you.

I’m going to preface this by saying that there was A LOT in the question and if I miss something or leave you with questions feel free to follow up with me.

Let’s start on the subject of love in BDSM. Of course you can be in love. I am very much in love with my Kitten. We are in a long term, monogamous, dedicated relationship. I fell in love with her not as my sub though but as my significant other. And that’s how it should be. When you’re going out looking for love it needs to be organic. Of course you should be sexually compatible but I don’t think it’s wise going out and looking for a Dom to fall in love with. It’s kind of the old saying that you shouldn’t seek love out because it will find you.

We also have to discuss the different facets of love and the different forms submission can take. You should always play with someone who has your best interest at heart. And those people are probably going to be the same people who love you. These people could be lovers or they could just be friends. Either way these are people who care about you and who will take care of you in your moments of weakness in the lifestyle. You should surround yourself with these people and always keep in mind that submission and BDSM in general is all about trust. If you can’t trust the person you’re with you should probably rethink your options.

When we talk about submission and submission being an act of love it all comes down to it being an act of love for YOU. Of course you can use your submission to show you’re love or admiration to your Dom but at the end of the day if you are submitting simply to make that other person happy you really need to step back and evaluate yourself. Submitting or Dominating should be done for yourself above all else. You should do it because it makes you feel good and it makes you happy. Making the other person happy should simply be a pleasant side effect.

Also there’s the difference between “Submitting” and “Playing”. If you’re just playing with someone you take on the role of a submissive but I believe it is vastly different from actually submitting. Submitting, to me, is giving yourself wholly on what ever terms you and your Dom agree upon. If you’re just at a party and casually playing with someone that’s just for fun. I don’t think there is any ‘dedication’ or love needed to enjoy each other for a few hours, whatever that may entail.

If you are going to submit to someone you should make sure it is someone you trust and in that way I think that person will be someone you love (Whether that love be romantic or platonic). And If you decide you are going to submit to them I think it’s only fair you dedicate yourself to them and they to you. Dedication and respect along with trust are the basic building blocks of a healthy BDSM relationship and if you don’t feel you can dedicate yourself to the person you’re submitting to maybe that person just isn’t the Dom/Sub for you. Also keep in mind when I say dedicate I don’t mean that thats the only person you can be with or play with, all of that needs to be agreed upon between you and you’re Dom/Sub. What I am saying is that if you decide to submit to someone you should be ready to be the best Sub/Dom you can be and work hard for the other person and to better yourself both as a person and as a Dom/Sub.

As for timing? That is all preference. You are the only person who will know whether you’re submitting to early or not. And it should be on your terms. If someone is pressuring you into a contract or into more of a relationship than you’re ready for you should walk away, for your own well being. But as long as you feel comfortable and ready I don’t think there is really a time line in regards to when you should feel ready to submit. I do, however, recommend and agreed upon trial period between you and you’re Dom/Sub, just to figure out if you are compatible and to avoid any nasty situations or hurt feelings.

I hope this answered you’re questions,

-Sir

Q: Sir, I have been in a relationship for the past year, and he is the first lover who has been able to bring out a more playful side in me. Early on, we identified our roles. He was dominant and I was submissive and we came to this understanding quite naturally. I’m not into leather or restraints though. By dominant I mean that I like him to take charge, to be in control. I was curious about such things before, but not to the extent that I experimented with them the way I do now. Is it possible to meet a person who brings that out in you?

Hello! 

Glad to get my first e-mail! Well, the question seems a bit vague but I will answer as best I can. Please feel free to ask any follow up questions you may have! 

I think it is very possible to find someone who brings this side out. It’s all about comfort level. If you’re with someone who you don’t feel comfortable experimenting with you’ll never learn what you truly enjoy. Kink and BDSM is all about crossing the thresh hold of the unknown and while limits are limits and should be adhered to…Everyone has those little things that sit in the back of their minds, waiting for the opportunity to come out and play.

Having someone who is open to exploring these little ideas is key to discovering yourself in a sexual way. I think very few people come into sex knowing exactly what they want and what they like and those things are altered as you experience more.

So yes. I do believe that a person who might have no interest in kink, or just a little, can find someone to bring out that side of them through exploration and experimentation. 

-Sir