I’m going to live blog and correct 50 shades of grey

Prepare yourselves.

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Q: Sir, I have been in a relationship for the past year, and he is the first lover who has been able to bring out a more playful side in me. Early on, we identified our roles. He was dominant and I was submissive and we came to this understanding quite naturally. I’m not into leather or restraints though. By dominant I mean that I like him to take charge, to be in control. I was curious about such things before, but not to the extent that I experimented with them the way I do now. Is it possible to meet a person who brings that out in you?

Hello! 

Glad to get my first e-mail! Well, the question seems a bit vague but I will answer as best I can. Please feel free to ask any follow up questions you may have! 

I think it is very possible to find someone who brings this side out. It’s all about comfort level. If you’re with someone who you don’t feel comfortable experimenting with you’ll never learn what you truly enjoy. Kink and BDSM is all about crossing the thresh hold of the unknown and while limits are limits and should be adhered to…Everyone has those little things that sit in the back of their minds, waiting for the opportunity to come out and play.

Having someone who is open to exploring these little ideas is key to discovering yourself in a sexual way. I think very few people come into sex knowing exactly what they want and what they like and those things are altered as you experience more.

So yes. I do believe that a person who might have no interest in kink, or just a little, can find someone to bring out that side of them through exploration and experimentation. 

-Sir

Q: Sir, I had a very bad experience once with a master and still have nightmares from it and now that my bf and I are getting into that type of relationship I’m having a hard time letting go and giving him control. What should I do?

The biggest thing to do is to move at your own pace. You have to move as slowly as you need in order to feel comfortable. Handing over control is a big step and I advise against jumping into it. That may just lead to more road blocks along the way when you try to take your relationship further.

Keep it simple at first. Start with the very basic things you might not even consider kinky. Maybe things like spanking and hair pulling. I say start from the beggining and explore the things you have in common. Establish firm ground rules and ard limits. Explain the things you’re nervous about and the issues you’re having. Commincation is the key to any sucesful relationship and even more so in a kink relationship. Being firm in this situation is going to be almost as important as communication. You have to remember that you’re safety and well being (Mental and physical) comes before any orders or protocal.

Really just go slow and get back to basics. I think for now it would be best to not jump into a 24/7 situation. Maybe little things and agreed upon rules. Maybe you have to do certain chores (If you’re interested in service based kink). I think it’s all about the little things especially now. Get back to your roots and start over, creating new memories with you’re new boyfriend and Dom.

-Sir

Q: Sir, what is the difference between a Master and a Sir, if you don’t mind my asking.

It’s a very open ended question but a good one. The titles are what you make of them. A Master could be anything and so could a Sir. But I’m assuming this isn’t the answer you’re looking for. Let me preface what I’m about to say with the fact that this is just based on my personal experiences and opinions and that it in no way sets up a frame of references for any Sir or Master. Speak to the Dom to understand what it is they are all about!

In my travels, most people who refer to themselves as Sir are people who put a high price on domestic abilities and more of the gentler kink. There seems to be more flexibility and less of a desire to dominate completely. They tend to let their subs act and speak more freely. Now…Like I said, this is not true across the board. I have met Sir’s who simple like the sound of ‘Sir’ better than ‘Master’ when they crack their whip across their slave’s ass. Master does seem to hold to a certain level of power though. When you have a Master you tend to have a slave or pet on the other end who have a little less say in the daily going on’s.

That is my persnal opinion, though as I stated more than once, there are exceptions to these rules and I’ve found that most Dom’s pick what they want to be called simply because it appeals to them on some level. I’ve met people who liked to be called ‘Marquis’, ‘Lord’, ‘Prince’ and many other titles.

-Sir

Q: Something for subs along the lines of title and respect? Or maybe even for doms on proper ways to communicate this to their subs.

This question feels a little vague so I’m going to try to answer it as completely as possible. If I misunderstand or don’t hit on something please send me some follow ups!

The best way to convey the type of respect you want to receive is to communicate that with your sub. Everyone has different things they find respectful and disrespectful and the best way to handle it is to lay out some firm rules and to learn from experience. No sub is going to be able to cover every scenario that may come up and at times they may do something that you, as a Dom, see as disrespectful or not proper behavior. At that point I think a simple correction is what is in order. I don’t believe in punishing a first time mistake. I think it’s a bad way to conduct yourself as a Dom. You aren’t teaching or advancing your Sub in anyway if you punish them and don’t try to correct the behavior.

If your subs are not respecting you the first thing you need to do is step back and take a look at yourself and your Dom style. Are you being an efficient Dom and picking out the right play partners? I’ve seen so many Dom’s blame their subs for their own mistakes and that is a quality of bad Dom. Take a look at yourself before you start to blame others and move on from there.

Also respect means a lot of different things to people and these things should be covered in a contract or at least a very intense conversation. For example; I find a dirty house extremely disrespectful and house work and cooking are ways for my sub to show me respect and love. Some Dom’s want their Sub to undress them when they come home or kiss their feet. The things that are important to you as a Dom need to be conveyed to your sub clearly and a training method needs to be put in place.

There also has to be a certain level of compatibility. There is no wrong way to Dom (Unless you are forcing someone to do something and pushing limits in a way that is unwelcomed) and there is no clear cut right way either. Everyone has their own path and everyone has certain things that they enjoy. Some Dom’s are completely sexual and some Dom’s like the feeling of power in even everyday things like housework. You have to find out who you are in that respect and then find a sub who is similar.

One of the best ways I can think of would be bratty subs. There are subs out there who fit into a role of a bratty little girl/boy who pouts and stomps and pushes their Dom’s buttons. Some Dom’s LOVE this but I do not. Some Dom’s love the excitement of getting worked up and getting to punish their sub and the sub is looking for just that reaction! I…Do not. I’m not saying it’s bad by any stretch of the imagination and I am friends with sub’s who have this personality. It can be quite adorable but it is not for me. There fore I shouldn’t seek out a sub who has this type of persona and I shouldn’t try to change them.

In short compatibility, communication and consent are what you need to look for and convey when talking to your sub or Dom. Simple conversations over a dinner (consider it a kinky date) can go a long way. Have some wine (If you’re of age) and talk to each other about the things that annoy you and the experiences you’ve both had. Pull from that what you can and ride off into the proverbial sunset together!

-Sir