Hopefully a new trend of my once a week posts!

I received a suggestion from one of my lovely followers to talk about my personal “best” BDSM aesthetic. I realized that I’ve never really talked about my preferences! I’m sure I’ve hinted at them in other posts and I’ve sure as hell put my opinion out there! But I’ve never talked about what I like!

So here goes!

Neither me nor kitten are really into pain. I can deliver it to an extent but since it doesn’t interest kitten I don’t feel the need to participate in it in my personal life.

Our relationship is protocol based. We have a set of rules and I write out a schedule for her every week that has a list of chores meant to maintain our home and practice good house keeping habits. Taking care of my home and my life is what I expect of my kitten. We are both busy, though, so I do help out but most of the cleaning is on her.

I would eventually like to be in a place where I can support her financially and she can stay home and take care of our home and (eventual) children full time. That has always been my dream, even before kink.

As for my aesthetic…I love the late 1950’s early 1960’s aesthetic. I’ll take a curvy pin-up girl over a porn star any day! Winged eyeliner, red lipstick and swing skirts all day long! We also typically play big band music while cleaning the house. We both just love the feel of it.

I like to think that my Dom style is gentle but firm. My punishments do not revolve around physical reprimand. I don’t want my kitten to fear me…I don’t want to have to cane her and so I don’t. When I feel that my kitten is out of line I put her in time out, have her write lines or present an essay on her wrong doing to me. These exercises make her think about what she did and why it was wrong and that’s what I like.

That’s about it! Hope it was insightful.

-Sir

Hello Sir! I just started following you and I love your blog! I have a question though, I like being tied up – as often as possible – do you of a discreet harness that I could wear under me clothes but no one could tell was there? Thank you Sir~

Thank you so much for the love! I always love hearing from you guys! It makes my day. Anyway, the answer to your question is yes! You could have anything from a crotch harness to a chest harness, or both if you wanted! The best way to do this would be to either find some one who sells flat braided bondage rope (Rainbow Ropes used to but they don’t anymore so you’ll have to do some searching) Or you can go to Home Depot and get the thinner nylon rope. With that said you will also have to avoid elaborate knots and try and use as much of a continuous flow as possible. Use basic Lark heads and square knots!

Even though this is possible make sure that the person you’re working with is experienced. All day wear needs to be adjusted from normal bondage. Obviously, since you’re wearing it all day it can’t be overly tight or you’ll risk losing blood flow and nerve damage. You also need to be able to untie it yourself if your rope master won’t be around to do it for you and you’re rope master also needs to understand that they need to be willing to let you take it off or adjust it if it gets to be too much.

I also would suggest that the first time you go out you’re rope master be with you so that they can adjust the harness versus undoing it so you don’t lose the harness unless your simply want it off!!

Hope this helped!

-Sir

hi. i saw your post about sub/Dom drop and i wondered if it’s normal for a sub to drop sometimes BEFORE a scene has ended? it happens to me a lot and it bothers me, i feel awful and stupid for it because i’m enjoying what’s happening so much and then all of a sudden i just get a hit of depression and i lose all desire to continue and i dont know why. it happens most when i cum but not always and i dont want to never be able to let myself again… any advice? am i weird? :(

It is completely normal, especially right after orgasm. DO NOT let yourself feel bad or let anyone else make you feel bad. This is a natural process and it can be handled with some mental exercises most of the time. You really need to try and focus on why you’re dropping. If it’s right after orgasm and you can’t find another reason it may be chemical. If this is the case then try to time your orgasms differently or try having a different type of orgasm, if you’re a woman, anyway. If you’re a woman and you’re used to clitoral orgasms try having and orgasm through the Gspot as long as you aren’t opposed to penetration.

If you’re still having problems right after orgasm go in there with that knowledge and try to prepare yourself and your partner for it. A lot of times these things can’t be helped but you can help yourself grow accustomed to it and desensitize yourself. You also have the option of trying to hold off on cumming until after the scene is done and after care can be provided.

I hope I answered all of your questions but if not please feel free to talk to me some more!

-Sir

Q: LOVE YOUR BLOG, AND FAIRLY NEW TO THE COMMUNITY. SO SORRY IF I’M ASKING DUMB QUESTIONS. SO I’M A SUBMISSIVE AND I READ THAT SUBMISSION IS AN ACT OF LOVE. HOW DOES NO LOVE BDSM WORK GENERALLY THOUGH? I VERY MUCH WANT TO BE IN LOVE, BUT AFRAID I WILL FORM TOO STRONG AN ATTACHMENT TO A DOM BY SUBMITTING EARLY. CAN YOU SUBMIT TOO EARLY? HOW DOES ONE FULLY SUBMIT WHEN NOT “IN LOVE” OR “DEDICATED?” UGH, I’M SO LOST. ANY INSIGHT WOULD BE APPRECIATED!

First of all, thank you for the love.

Second off, the are seriously no stupid questions and if you feel lost you should seek guidance. That is my first bit of advice to you.

I’m going to preface this by saying that there was A LOT in the question and if I miss something or leave you with questions feel free to follow up with me.

Let’s start on the subject of love in BDSM. Of course you can be in love. I am very much in love with my Kitten. We are in a long term, monogamous, dedicated relationship. I fell in love with her not as my sub though but as my significant other. And that’s how it should be. When you’re going out looking for love it needs to be organic. Of course you should be sexually compatible but I don’t think it’s wise going out and looking for a Dom to fall in love with. It’s kind of the old saying that you shouldn’t seek love out because it will find you.

We also have to discuss the different facets of love and the different forms submission can take. You should always play with someone who has your best interest at heart. And those people are probably going to be the same people who love you. These people could be lovers or they could just be friends. Either way these are people who care about you and who will take care of you in your moments of weakness in the lifestyle. You should surround yourself with these people and always keep in mind that submission and BDSM in general is all about trust. If you can’t trust the person you’re with you should probably rethink your options.

When we talk about submission and submission being an act of love it all comes down to it being an act of love for YOU. Of course you can use your submission to show you’re love or admiration to your Dom but at the end of the day if you are submitting simply to make that other person happy you really need to step back and evaluate yourself. Submitting or Dominating should be done for yourself above all else. You should do it because it makes you feel good and it makes you happy. Making the other person happy should simply be a pleasant side effect.

Also there’s the difference between “Submitting” and “Playing”. If you’re just playing with someone you take on the role of a submissive but I believe it is vastly different from actually submitting. Submitting, to me, is giving yourself wholly on what ever terms you and your Dom agree upon. If you’re just at a party and casually playing with someone that’s just for fun. I don’t think there is any ‘dedication’ or love needed to enjoy each other for a few hours, whatever that may entail.

If you are going to submit to someone you should make sure it is someone you trust and in that way I think that person will be someone you love (Whether that love be romantic or platonic). And If you decide you are going to submit to them I think it’s only fair you dedicate yourself to them and they to you. Dedication and respect along with trust are the basic building blocks of a healthy BDSM relationship and if you don’t feel you can dedicate yourself to the person you’re submitting to maybe that person just isn’t the Dom/Sub for you. Also keep in mind when I say dedicate I don’t mean that thats the only person you can be with or play with, all of that needs to be agreed upon between you and you’re Dom/Sub. What I am saying is that if you decide to submit to someone you should be ready to be the best Sub/Dom you can be and work hard for the other person and to better yourself both as a person and as a Dom/Sub.

As for timing? That is all preference. You are the only person who will know whether you’re submitting to early or not. And it should be on your terms. If someone is pressuring you into a contract or into more of a relationship than you’re ready for you should walk away, for your own well being. But as long as you feel comfortable and ready I don’t think there is really a time line in regards to when you should feel ready to submit. I do, however, recommend and agreed upon trial period between you and you’re Dom/Sub, just to figure out if you are compatible and to avoid any nasty situations or hurt feelings.

I hope this answered you’re questions,

-Sir

Q: Sir, I have been in a relationship for the past year, and he is the first lover who has been able to bring out a more playful side in me. Early on, we identified our roles. He was dominant and I was submissive and we came to this understanding quite naturally. I’m not into leather or restraints though. By dominant I mean that I like him to take charge, to be in control. I was curious about such things before, but not to the extent that I experimented with them the way I do now. Is it possible to meet a person who brings that out in you?

Hello! 

Glad to get my first e-mail! Well, the question seems a bit vague but I will answer as best I can. Please feel free to ask any follow up questions you may have! 

I think it is very possible to find someone who brings this side out. It’s all about comfort level. If you’re with someone who you don’t feel comfortable experimenting with you’ll never learn what you truly enjoy. Kink and BDSM is all about crossing the thresh hold of the unknown and while limits are limits and should be adhered to…Everyone has those little things that sit in the back of their minds, waiting for the opportunity to come out and play.

Having someone who is open to exploring these little ideas is key to discovering yourself in a sexual way. I think very few people come into sex knowing exactly what they want and what they like and those things are altered as you experience more.

So yes. I do believe that a person who might have no interest in kink, or just a little, can find someone to bring out that side of them through exploration and experimentation. 

-Sir

Q: Sir, I had a very bad experience once with a master and still have nightmares from it and now that my bf and I are getting into that type of relationship I’m having a hard time letting go and giving him control. What should I do?

The biggest thing to do is to move at your own pace. You have to move as slowly as you need in order to feel comfortable. Handing over control is a big step and I advise against jumping into it. That may just lead to more road blocks along the way when you try to take your relationship further.

Keep it simple at first. Start with the very basic things you might not even consider kinky. Maybe things like spanking and hair pulling. I say start from the beggining and explore the things you have in common. Establish firm ground rules and ard limits. Explain the things you’re nervous about and the issues you’re having. Commincation is the key to any sucesful relationship and even more so in a kink relationship. Being firm in this situation is going to be almost as important as communication. You have to remember that you’re safety and well being (Mental and physical) comes before any orders or protocal.

Really just go slow and get back to basics. I think for now it would be best to not jump into a 24/7 situation. Maybe little things and agreed upon rules. Maybe you have to do certain chores (If you’re interested in service based kink). I think it’s all about the little things especially now. Get back to your roots and start over, creating new memories with you’re new boyfriend and Dom.

-Sir

Q: Sir, what is the difference between a Master and a Sir, if you don’t mind my asking.

It’s a very open ended question but a good one. The titles are what you make of them. A Master could be anything and so could a Sir. But I’m assuming this isn’t the answer you’re looking for. Let me preface what I’m about to say with the fact that this is just based on my personal experiences and opinions and that it in no way sets up a frame of references for any Sir or Master. Speak to the Dom to understand what it is they are all about!

In my travels, most people who refer to themselves as Sir are people who put a high price on domestic abilities and more of the gentler kink. There seems to be more flexibility and less of a desire to dominate completely. They tend to let their subs act and speak more freely. Now…Like I said, this is not true across the board. I have met Sir’s who simple like the sound of ‘Sir’ better than ‘Master’ when they crack their whip across their slave’s ass. Master does seem to hold to a certain level of power though. When you have a Master you tend to have a slave or pet on the other end who have a little less say in the daily going on’s.

That is my persnal opinion, though as I stated more than once, there are exceptions to these rules and I’ve found that most Dom’s pick what they want to be called simply because it appeals to them on some level. I’ve met people who liked to be called ‘Marquis’, ‘Lord’, ‘Prince’ and many other titles.

-Sir

Q: Something for subs along the lines of title and respect? Or maybe even for doms on proper ways to communicate this to their subs.

This question feels a little vague so I’m going to try to answer it as completely as possible. If I misunderstand or don’t hit on something please send me some follow ups!

The best way to convey the type of respect you want to receive is to communicate that with your sub. Everyone has different things they find respectful and disrespectful and the best way to handle it is to lay out some firm rules and to learn from experience. No sub is going to be able to cover every scenario that may come up and at times they may do something that you, as a Dom, see as disrespectful or not proper behavior. At that point I think a simple correction is what is in order. I don’t believe in punishing a first time mistake. I think it’s a bad way to conduct yourself as a Dom. You aren’t teaching or advancing your Sub in anyway if you punish them and don’t try to correct the behavior.

If your subs are not respecting you the first thing you need to do is step back and take a look at yourself and your Dom style. Are you being an efficient Dom and picking out the right play partners? I’ve seen so many Dom’s blame their subs for their own mistakes and that is a quality of bad Dom. Take a look at yourself before you start to blame others and move on from there.

Also respect means a lot of different things to people and these things should be covered in a contract or at least a very intense conversation. For example; I find a dirty house extremely disrespectful and house work and cooking are ways for my sub to show me respect and love. Some Dom’s want their Sub to undress them when they come home or kiss their feet. The things that are important to you as a Dom need to be conveyed to your sub clearly and a training method needs to be put in place.

There also has to be a certain level of compatibility. There is no wrong way to Dom (Unless you are forcing someone to do something and pushing limits in a way that is unwelcomed) and there is no clear cut right way either. Everyone has their own path and everyone has certain things that they enjoy. Some Dom’s are completely sexual and some Dom’s like the feeling of power in even everyday things like housework. You have to find out who you are in that respect and then find a sub who is similar.

One of the best ways I can think of would be bratty subs. There are subs out there who fit into a role of a bratty little girl/boy who pouts and stomps and pushes their Dom’s buttons. Some Dom’s LOVE this but I do not. Some Dom’s love the excitement of getting worked up and getting to punish their sub and the sub is looking for just that reaction! I…Do not. I’m not saying it’s bad by any stretch of the imagination and I am friends with sub’s who have this personality. It can be quite adorable but it is not for me. There fore I shouldn’t seek out a sub who has this type of persona and I shouldn’t try to change them.

In short compatibility, communication and consent are what you need to look for and convey when talking to your sub or Dom. Simple conversations over a dinner (consider it a kinky date) can go a long way. Have some wine (If you’re of age) and talk to each other about the things that annoy you and the experiences you’ve both had. Pull from that what you can and ride off into the proverbial sunset together!

-Sir

Q: I have a question, if that’s alright. I’m currently in a 2 year relationship with my boyfriend, and I’m extremely interested in D/s relationships, but I don’t think he is. I haven’t explained my sentiments to him yet, out of fear he’ll either reject it (and I feel that his domination is something I need) or reject me (or think of me negatively). Do you have any suggestions or tips on how to approach this situation? It would be greatly appreciated.

This is a really common situation and I think you just need to go in ready to accept whatever answer he’s going to give you. You have to decided what is more important to you as a person and then base your own decision off that.

But as to how to approach him just bring it up gently. Sit down and tell him you’re interested in something a little different. I would sit down and make a list of all the things that you’re interested in so you can have them right there with you and you can talk it over with him and figure out what is completely out of the question and what you’re both willing to try. He may surprise you!

The strongest thing I can stress is don’t push it. If he’s not interested in something then pushing it is going to damage your relationship in the long run. And men’s ego’s are very sensitive things. Make sure you  don’t make it sound like he isn’t satisfying you.

Suggest small things like maybe you lay out his clothes for him every day or give him a back massage once a week. Start little weekly ritual’s that don’t neccisarly demand alot out of each other. Test the waters and then you can make a more complex schedual. I think the biggest thing is to remember not to just dive in and go in all at once. Ease yourselves into it. Learn together and find out what each of you likes and wants. Even if it doesn’t work out in a D/s way you should use this exploration to come closer to one another and fall in love even deeper.

Im sorry if this answer isn’t what you are looking for. I am writing this and barely able to keep my eyes open. If there is a specific issue I didn’t address please feel free to ask!

-Sir