The responsibilities of a Dom

Okay kiddies,

Stepping into the role of a Dom is both rewarding and daunting. There are a lot of really amazing advantages that comes with being a Dom but you also have to remember that you are taking on the responsibility of some one else s well being, whether it be for a scene or for a 25/7 power exchange. Either way it’s a lot of responsibility to have on your shoulders. This article is just a very, very quick run down of those responsibilities.

 

1. Pick the right sub.

A sub and a Dom should compliment each other. That means you shouldn’t take on the first sub who comes to you (Unless of course they ARE a good fit). And for my lovely, submissives, be mindful of the Dom you choose as well. You have all the say in the world as to who you want controlling you. A good way to find the perfect sub is an interview process. If you find someone you think you might be interested in take them out to lunch! Or meet them for coffee. You’ll be able to talk to them about their limits, what got them into kink, their education level and anything else! This removes you both from the kink setting long enough to have a really solid conversation and get to know one another on a deeper level and determine if you are a good fit for each other.

This conversation also leads to our next point. You should find out the education level of your sub. Don’t be turned off by a submissive who knows their stuff! Even if they know more than you it leaves room for them to help you. Rather than focusing on teaching your sub everything you can focus on making yourself the best Dom you can be and get feedback from someone who knows what they’re doing. You should also make sure that they have at least a basic knowledge of safety procedures and what it means to be a submissive. Always make sure they know about safe words and basic health and safety in scenes. If they seem uneducated on these subjects you should offer to help them but maybe not participate in a scene with them until they have watched a few scenes first and understand the basics.

Another key point of safety and picking the right sub is to find out if they have any physical or mental illnesses that might be a problem during a scene. It is extremely important to know if your play partner is diabetic, epelitic or is recovering from any physical injuries. These are just a few examples of possible ailments on a medical level. Mental health is also a huge part of picking the right partner and determining the kind of after care the person may need. Someone who was abused or has severe phobias should probably inform their Dom of these issues. This is up to the other person to disclose this information but as a Dom you should at least attempt to ask and observe anything that may be of concern. Always use you’re best judgment when determining if you have the ability to care for someone with physical or mental restrictions. And of course anyone you play with must be able to give consent.

 

 

2. Education

Oh boy, here I am on my soap box again! Education is the most important responsibility. I know people are probably tired of hearing me harp on about it but education is just so very important. Jumping head first into a scene without knowing whats going to happen or what could happen is a sure fire way to get yourself hurt or taken advantage of. You don’t have to know everything but you should know enough that you can sense if something is amiss.

Besides personal safety education is also important in making friends. Kinksters have lives outside the scene, of course, but in a kinky setting people are probably going to want to talk about kinky things. Having at least a background knowledge of certain things will help you seem credible and open more doors for you within the community. And if you happen to be somewhere where people are talking about or doing something you don’t know; Ask them! In my experience kinky people are more than happy to share their knowledge.

Take the opportunity to learn about EVERYTHING, even if you aren’t into it. I, personally, am not into pony play but I find it fascinating. Since I’m not into it I only learned about it through reading and talking to people. There are a myriad of resources out there for beginner kinksters and one would be foolish to not take advantage of it. And as a Dom you have a certain responsibility to know about these things. Taking on the role of a Dom means taking on the role of an authority figure and people may come to you with questions. Like I said, You don’t have to know everything but you should strive to learn anything you can.

While you aren’t expected to know everything, you should be well versed in the things that appeal to you and that you want to practice. So read up on them and talk to other people in your community as well. A basic knowledge of kink will also help you sift good advice from bad advice and keep you on your toes when talking to people who don’t know as much as you. Feel free to educate others on what you know and be generous in spreading the knowledge that you have acquired. The biggest thing I can say for education is that you should NOT attempt to do ANYTHING that you haven’t researched first whether that be on the internet, in person with other kinksters or in a book. Always understand the risks and safety precautions involved in what you are taking part in.

 

SAFETY FIRST

 

3. Forming a relationship with your submissive

 

People tend to flinch away at this one because I know many people who are strictly play partners and not involved romantically. Forming a relationship with your sub doesn’t mean you two are going to get married and ride off into the sunset. It means that you have a deep understanding for one another, great communication and that you respect each other highly. Having a good connection with your sub doesn’t mean you have to be romantically involved but having a relationship provides for the best scenes and the best dynamic because you know each other and can feel out each others moods and limits.

Whether you are in a romantic relationship with your sub or not you should meet outside of your kink dynamic regularly to uphold this connection. Does this mean you have to form this bond with every one you play with ever? No. If you do one scene with a person who lives three states away you probably don’t need to meet them for lunch once a week. But if you consider someone to be ‘your’ submissive or your play partner then you should probably establish a rapport with one another. Meeting outside your kink dynamic will help you understand each other better and ensure that both of your needs are being met without the looming prospect of your contract over your heads. You can simply sit and talk as lovers, friends or good business acquaintances.

Talking to each other will make it easier to communicate during scenes and provide a feeling of support and care. I really can’t stress enough how important this is. It will also help greatly in providing adequate after care and keeping yourself up on your subs shifting hard and soft limits or maybe what kind of scenes they can or can’t handle at that time. Openness and communication are recurring themes in BDSM so it’s best to get comfortable with them!

 

4. Understand yourself and your role as a Dom

 

Self discovery and self understanding are a big part of being a good Dom. Before you go out and play you really need to have a good handle on who you are as a Dom. Are you a slave master with a firm grip? Or are you a Daddy looking for his baby girl? These roles are both very different and unless you know exactly who your Dom alter ego is…You probably aren’t ready to play.

Before getting too involved you should try to have a general idea of the type of Dom you want to be. For me the easiest way was to think of it as a character. I put all of these characteristics that I thought made up a good Dom into a character and designated that person my Dom alter ego. It helps me when I have to step back and examin myself and my style. I suggest that you write down the things you would want in a Dom if you were a submissive. This will probably put you on the right path to Dom nirvana, so to speak.

You also need to step back and understand yourself as a kinkster. You should write down the following things and answer them:

 

Why am I interested in kink?

What do I want to get out of it?

How do I want this to improve my life over all?

What do I like?

What are my limits?

 

This is a very short list of questions and you probably have your own to ask yourself but always remember that understanding ones self is the key to understanding others and having the confidence to be the best Dom you can be! Reflect on your own limits and why you want this for yourself. Who or what was the first thing to inspire you to be a Dom? Draw inspiration from everything you can and let yourself question your own decisions. Question that scene you did a month ago where things didn’t go exactly as planned and why. Plan the perfect scene and keep it tucked away until you feel confident enough to act it all. But most importantly just sit down and reflect on who you are and who your inner Dom wants you to be.

SUB DROP AND DOM DROP

Okay kiddies. It’s been a while since I’ve done an article but I think it’s time for me to get my voice out on this blog again!

Sub drop is something many people in the lifestyle know about but many of us learned it the hard way, whether you are a sub or dom. So hopefully this article will spare some of you the embarrassment and fear that comes with experiencing sub drop or dom drop.

Sub drop is much more commonly known than dom drop. Sub drop is essentially an overwhelming negative feeling subs get right after a scene or even days after. Sub drop is something that is so variable that it’s hard to tell exactly what might happen. In general, as a sub you might feel anything from a little bit of depression all the way down to complete hysterics. It’s really just knowing how you react to any kind of situation.

And not every sub will react the same in every type of situation. Any kind of scene has a certain risk factor and has to be approached carefully and with a watchful eye. The more intense the scene the harder the drop. A lot of times this emotional roller coaster is actually caused by a number of chemicals the body produces naturally so it needs to be handled delicately. While a sub’s past can affect sub drop it’s also very important to understand that MOST subs experience this on some level and as a dom, you need to be ready to give your sub the support they need.

You also need to understand that there is no time frame for sub and Dom drop. These drops can happen immediately after the scene and be taken care of through normal after care. But some drops may occur hours or days later which is why it’s important that you make yourself reasonable available for your play partners. Yes we all have jobs and school and lives but as a Dom you are making a certain level of commitment to your play partner by involving yourself in any situation that may involve Dom/sub drop.

Please also keep in mind that Dom drop is a thing that exists and needs to be addressed. A lot of times people don’t consider the affect that scenes have on Doms. Dom drop is not as common as sub drop but it does happen and when it does there needs to be an open line of communication between partners. Dom’s may need after care just as much as a sub, especially if the Dom is having problems outside their own lives or if the scene is particularly intense.

I have really only seen Dom drop happen in two scenarios (though it can occur in any situation and that is 100% fine!). The most common one I see is Dom’s who participate in non-con scenes that are particularly violent or real feeling. I’m sorry, but putting yourself in the mind set of someone who is trying to force someone else to have sex is not an easy thing to walk away from without being affected. It is perfectly fine to have that moment of doubt or fear (especially if you happen to be enjoying it a lot) but when this occurs you need to sit down with your sub and tell them what happened and if you want to make changes to similar scenes in the future than that needs to be hashed out as well. Communication is the biggest part of working past any sort of kinky road block!

The second situation I’ve seen Dom drop happen in is in the case of people who have very, very controlling personalities and come out of a scene and back into the real world where they have very little control. This is something I see in some beginner Doms, though I have certainly seen it happen in more experienced Dom’s as well.

The bottom line is that Sub drop and Dom drop can occur at anytime, any place, any scene so you need to be prepared to handle that, no matter what your role is and be a supportive partner for those you play with. Being part of the BDSM community means taking on a lot of responsibility and handling it gracefully.

Feel free to message me any questions regarding this or any other topics.

-Sir.

LETS TALK ABOUT SAFE WORDS

Safe Words. It’s a basic in the BDSM community. It’s one of those things you should expect everyone to know about. But recently I’ve been running into a lot of people who think they are too good for safe words. I hate to burst your bubble; But you aren’t. Safe words or a safety system i key to a safe and sucessful session. It provides and open communication platform for the Sub and a way to keep the Dom in the loop and aware of what is going on with a sub.

Safe words come in a lot of different forms though. Some people like to use words I’ve also seen a red light system which is what I use, personally. If you’re going to use a one word Safety system is prudent that you sit down with your sub and come up with something that is easy to remember and not likely to be said during sex. I think a good way to approach this is to have the sub either use their master’s favorite color or perhaps home town as a safe word. Always check that your sub know what the safe word is before you begin! Have them repeat it to you to ensure they can remember it. I also suggest that as you begin to play and your sub begins to enter their subspace you check with them one final time as ask what the safe word is. It’s easy to do this without breaking the scene. If you’re doing something rougher you can grab their jaw, make them look at you and ask for the safe word gruffly! And if you’re more of a teasing Dom make them repeat it after a nice firm smack on the ass! The important thing is that the sub is able to remember the word in and out of sub space!

And to my dear subs! I would not suggest EVER going with a dom if they don’t use a safety system. It is something used to protect you and as a sub you have every right to feel safe and it’s something you should expect from any good Dom. Remember that good dominants pride safety over anything else! So if you prefer a certain system or you don’t think you’ll be able to remember the safe word talk to your Dom before things get rolling.

I mentioned a Red light system above and it’s something I am seeing more and more in my interactions. A red light system bassiclly uses colors to indicate the space the sub is in. Red light means stop everything, Yellow light means “Slow down” Or “Ease up” which is a great alternative to stopping the scene if the sub just needs you to take it down a few notches. It doesn’t ruin and break the scene needlessly but it gives them a solid way of conveying a slight discomfort. And of course green light means “More please!”. I think it’s a nice alternative and allows for some options as well as being very easy for most subs to remember!

The biggest thing I hope you take from this is that a safety system is MANDATORY. Not optional. We need to keep ourselves and our partners safe.

Safety first, kids.  

-Sir

Power

I’ve had this argument with a lot of people. I think there are far too many Doms out there (At least in my experience) who don’t understand where the power comes from in their D/s relationship. I think an inflated ego causes a lot of blindness to this topic and I just want to clear up my beliefs on the matter.

The power that Doms have is very real but we only have it because our submissives give it to us. So in the end Submissives hold the power and this is why I don’t understand the Doms I’ve met who do not cherish their subs. This doesn’t mean you can’t beat them and call them whore when they want it, but I have seen some subs so hurt becuase their dominant treats them like they aren’t there. I just find it a sad thing.

To me…the beautiful thing about submission is that it’s a gift that someone loves you and trusts you enough to give. The second a submissive stops serving becuase she wants to and is just doing what you tell them to, you’ve lost your power over her. Even if she’s still following your orders she isn’t submitting.

So. To all my Sirs, Masters, Dommes, Mistresses, etc. Please remember you are being given a gift and treat it as such. And thank you to all the Baby Girls, Kittys, Slaves and Subs, for the power you put in our hands.

-Sir