Q: LOVE YOUR BLOG, AND FAIRLY NEW TO THE COMMUNITY. SO SORRY IF I’M ASKING DUMB QUESTIONS. SO I’M A SUBMISSIVE AND I READ THAT SUBMISSION IS AN ACT OF LOVE. HOW DOES NO LOVE BDSM WORK GENERALLY THOUGH? I VERY MUCH WANT TO BE IN LOVE, BUT AFRAID I WILL FORM TOO STRONG AN ATTACHMENT TO A DOM BY SUBMITTING EARLY. CAN YOU SUBMIT TOO EARLY? HOW DOES ONE FULLY SUBMIT WHEN NOT “IN LOVE” OR “DEDICATED?” UGH, I’M SO LOST. ANY INSIGHT WOULD BE APPRECIATED!

First of all, thank you for the love.

Second off, the are seriously no stupid questions and if you feel lost you should seek guidance. That is my first bit of advice to you.

I’m going to preface this by saying that there was A LOT in the question and if I miss something or leave you with questions feel free to follow up with me.

Let’s start on the subject of love in BDSM. Of course you can be in love. I am very much in love with my Kitten. We are in a long term, monogamous, dedicated relationship. I fell in love with her not as my sub though but as my significant other. And that’s how it should be. When you’re going out looking for love it needs to be organic. Of course you should be sexually compatible but I don’t think it’s wise going out and looking for a Dom to fall in love with. It’s kind of the old saying that you shouldn’t seek love out because it will find you.

We also have to discuss the different facets of love and the different forms submission can take. You should always play with someone who has your best interest at heart. And those people are probably going to be the same people who love you. These people could be lovers or they could just be friends. Either way these are people who care about you and who will take care of you in your moments of weakness in the lifestyle. You should surround yourself with these people and always keep in mind that submission and BDSM in general is all about trust. If you can’t trust the person you’re with you should probably rethink your options.

When we talk about submission and submission being an act of love it all comes down to it being an act of love for YOU. Of course you can use your submission to show you’re love or admiration to your Dom but at the end of the day if you are submitting simply to make that other person happy you really need to step back and evaluate yourself. Submitting or Dominating should be done for yourself above all else. You should do it because it makes you feel good and it makes you happy. Making the other person happy should simply be a pleasant side effect.

Also there’s the difference between “Submitting” and “Playing”. If you’re just playing with someone you take on the role of a submissive but I believe it is vastly different from actually submitting. Submitting, to me, is giving yourself wholly on what ever terms you and your Dom agree upon. If you’re just at a party and casually playing with someone that’s just for fun. I don’t think there is any ‘dedication’ or love needed to enjoy each other for a few hours, whatever that may entail.

If you are going to submit to someone you should make sure it is someone you trust and in that way I think that person will be someone you love (Whether that love be romantic or platonic). And If you decide you are going to submit to them I think it’s only fair you dedicate yourself to them and they to you. Dedication and respect along with trust are the basic building blocks of a healthy BDSM relationship and if you don’t feel you can dedicate yourself to the person you’re submitting to maybe that person just isn’t the Dom/Sub for you. Also keep in mind when I say dedicate I don’t mean that thats the only person you can be with or play with, all of that needs to be agreed upon between you and you’re Dom/Sub. What I am saying is that if you decide to submit to someone you should be ready to be the best Sub/Dom you can be and work hard for the other person and to better yourself both as a person and as a Dom/Sub.

As for timing? That is all preference. You are the only person who will know whether you’re submitting to early or not. And it should be on your terms. If someone is pressuring you into a contract or into more of a relationship than you’re ready for you should walk away, for your own well being. But as long as you feel comfortable and ready I don’t think there is really a time line in regards to when you should feel ready to submit. I do, however, recommend and agreed upon trial period between you and you’re Dom/Sub, just to figure out if you are compatible and to avoid any nasty situations or hurt feelings.

I hope this answered you’re questions,

-Sir

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