Q: My girlfriend is into BDSM (as a sub), but I have never tried it before. We have been talking about it and want to do it. I have been curious about BDSM for some time, and am actually quite excited to give it a go. I’m wondering if you can provide any tips for a first time dom? Specific things we are going to try is spanking/flogging and bondage. I am a bit of a timid person, so I think it will be a little difficult at first to get into the dom role. Thanks!

Welcome to the sexy, sexy world of BDSM ;). First lets keep in mind that BDSM has alot of realms and that alot of people get thrown off by the majority. I think everyone always thinks of kink and BDSM as rough, scary, leather covered blood fests. And its really not. There are people who are really into the whole “Tie me up and beat me till I bleed thing” and that is A-ok. But there is so much more depth to it.

Above all when you’re talking about kink (And sex in general) it boils down mutural respest and COMMUNICATION. I can’t stress it enough. Right away, I would suggest setting up a safe word or similair system. Sit down and really talk about what you want out of it. Are we looking at a life style kind of deal or maybe just an in the bedroom thing. Either way it needs to be taken seriously. Maybe write down some goals of this shift in the relationship and keep them close.

Now, on to the fun stuff. I personally thought I’d have alot of trouble getting into a Dom role as well. But if you are truely comfortable with it it’ll just flow. You’ll know what to do. Discover the kind of things YOU like and play with them (with your partners consent, of course) just let things happen naturally  and just be confident.

What honestly helped me the most was to pick someone that I admired as a dominant person (Doesn’t have to be in a BDSM context) and tried to emulate that person’s energy. This could be ANYONE from a TV character to someone you’ve made up in your head. Pick your perfect dom and say to yourself “How would so and so handle this?”

Just be comfortable with yourself and don’t let yourself feel weird about it. Alot of people end up feeling guilty or dirty or something similar and don’t let yourself get stuck in that rut. If it is making you and your partner feel good it is a positive thing. And don’t feel like you have to like the whole whips and chains thing either. Figure out what YOU and you’re partner like.

Some more practical pointers…EDUCATION. Educate yourselves. There is some serious shit out there (Bullwhips, needle play, fire cupping) don’t jump into anything in a rush. Even light bondage can be intense. And SAFETY. Number one thing in BDSM is safety. Mental and Physical. Read up on it or ask experienced people. I personally think safety and education are the building blocks of a succesful BDSM relationship.

As for the things you are considering I think it’s a perfect start! I answered a question about bondage in pretty high detail so check that out if you’d like. And floggers…Be careful what you buy. Find a good sex store with a good staff and test out different products. I personally like Elk skin floggers becuase it has a nice sound when it hits skin, leaves some nice marks but it’s not super painful. If you’re looking for something with a little more bite consider a cain or maybe a horsehair flogger. By the way….over the knee spanking is amazing.

So now that I’ve overloaded your brain (Sorry!) Here are some of my favorite books to use as resources!

The loving Dominant by Libby and John Warren

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

-Sir

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One thought on “Q: My girlfriend is into BDSM (as a sub), but I have never tried it before. We have been talking about it and want to do it. I have been curious about BDSM for some time, and am actually quite excited to give it a go. I’m wondering if you can provide any tips for a first time dom? Specific things we are going to try is spanking/flogging and bondage. I am a bit of a timid person, so I think it will be a little difficult at first to get into the dom role. Thanks!

  1. Pingback: A Girl Called 51 By Roger Clarke – #BDSM #BookReview | Christina Mandara

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