Q: My husband and I have been married over 10 years and have dabbled in BDSM but never anything serious that involved either of us coming out of our shells and experiencing different roles.I feel guarded about asking for more .I guess I fear if I ask for it, it won’t play out how I want it to. I fantasize about scenarios quite often, but I have a hard time putting my husband in the dom role, so I tend to fantasize about others. Any advice on how to approach the subject and see him in that light?

First off, let me say congrats on the 10+ years of marriage! Don’t see that too often any more. I’m going to try and answer this as best I can but please feel free to message me with any additional questions; Just in case I don’t hit everything.

First off, let’s discuss the issues of your expectations. I’m not trying to be negative or anything, however, most likely things WON’T go EXACTLY as you planned, becuase just like you, I’m sure your husband has fears and his own expectations. The key is to be sensitive about this and be open with each other. Tell each other what you want out of it and plan out a scene together. That way you don’t get too many curve balls thrown your way.

Exploring your own sexuality is hard even with out the added complications of BDSM and kink. Really take time to explore yourself and discover what you like. Read books and look at pictures. Open yourself up so that you can help open your husband up and help him get out of his shell. Sometimes the submissive person is the most powerful person in the relationship!

And as for the issue of thinking about others you need to find the root of the reason you can’t put your husband in that role. Is it becuase YOU want to be the dominant person? Or is it becuase you’re scared that he won’t meet your expectations of what a Dom should be? Fantasizing is nothing to be scared of and maybe bring some of these to his attention delicatly. Sit down with him and talk to him about what you’re scared of and together you guys can decide what to do about it.

May I also suggest going to a local BDSM club (Do your research on this. There are some amazing clubs and there are some real shady ones) and watching other’s do scenes? Sometimes you just need a clear picture of what it is you want. And if you guys really wanna take it further; Find mentors.

The option of other play partners can also be kept open. However, don’t force yourself or your husband into this. Sometimes it works really well for people and sometimes its the worst thing you can possibly do. Either way it requires alot of communication and mutual agreement. I also use the term “play partner” loosely. A play partner isn’t someone you HAVE to have sex with, keep this in mind.

And my last bit of advice is give your husband a chance to be dominant or give yourself that chance. You really need to use this as an opportunity to explore each other and different sides of each other without fear. Maybe you’ll discover he is the most powerful Dom on the face of the planet or maybe you’ll find out just how powerful you feel with a whip in hand and him on his knees. Let this open a new door into your sexual experiences as well as a window into your own soul and personality.

Hope this helped.

-Sir